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The Pregnant Zone

A pregnant woman glows…..so you can see her coming and get out of the way! Pregnancy is like a journey into the Twilight Zone it starts out gradually, but as it takes over it leaves you wondering…..”Where did I lose control?”

For example, in the first trimester you may feel a little nauseous on your way to work. Next thing you know you’re being pulled over for throwing up out the window doing 85 (not that this has ever happened to me!)

As the months progress, your once firm tummy continues to expand until you no longer know what pair of shoes you’re wearing. By the ninth month everything is swollen including your husbands arm where you’ve punched him for the last 7. Lastly, to your horror, you find that the weight is not “all baby,” but has been evenly distributed to your best assets.

And if the physical affects aren’t enough… the emotional ones will cause even Braveheart to tremble
as we suddenly become, “Cybil” and develop more personalities than Tiger Woods has women.

And a piece of advice for the husbands new to this deal: “Everything you say can, and will be used against you.”

I once encountered a woman who loved every minute of pregnancy. She was admitted to the psychiatric ward ….for observation.

-Excerpt from my column Reality Check

Di Viola – About the Author
Author of “The Trouble With Women” and the column, “Reality Check”

Visit http://southernladiesbusiness.com

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This Week on The Ellen Show! August 1-6

Monday, August 2
AMY POEHLER

Ellen loves AMY POEHLER so much, Amy was here for Ellen’s birthday show last year! Ellen can’t stop laughing whenever Amy is around. Her show Parks & Recreation is hilarious, and she’s sure to bring some stories about it. Amy’s son, Archie, is now one, and Ellen is getting all the details from his birthday! Then, you know the funny FRAN DRESCHER from The Nanny… Now she’s started her own all-natural skincare line and will be bringing it to show Ellen. As a cancer survivor, Fran is donating a portion of the proceeds to her Cancer Shmancer Foundation. Also, Ellen is playing biggest game of the year! That’s right, it’s Know or Go!

Tuesday, August 3
GEORGE LOPEZ
Today Ellen has a huge surprise for one of her viewers! She’s having a hard time and Ellen has something life-changing planned for her! You won’t want to miss it. Then, Ellen recently got a new neighbor on the Warner Brothers lot. The very funny GEORGE LOPEZ is taping his TBS late-night talk show Lopez Tonight — and Ellen is going to make sure he knows what he’s doing! He’s already made some great decisions — his very first guest was Ellen. Smart man. Then, after making herself known in The Princess Bride and Forrest Gump, ROBIN WRIGHT took time off to raise her kids. Now she’s back in full force, starring in several movies, and stopping by to visit Ellen today.

Wednesday, August 4
JENNY MCCARTHY
Ellen had so much fun during her O Magazine photo shoot with Oprah, and today she has some exclusive footage from their day. Then, Ellen’s friend and poker buddy JENNY MCCARTHY is always up for a fun time. Jenny may be notorious for her edgy personality, but she’s also an extremely devoted mother and will tell me all about her new educational DVDs for kids,Teach2Talk. Also, you know Ellen loves everything about, So You Think You Can Dance, including the wonderful CAT DEELEY. She’s here today and they’re gonna talk about everything that’s happened. She’s never danced on the show before, so maybe she’ll show us a few moves here!

Thursday, August 5
DWAYNE JOHNSON
You won’t believe the voice of 12-year-old RHAP SALAZAR. Ellen saw a YouTube video of his singing and it blew her away. She’s flying him in all the way from the Philippines. Then, Ellen has helped DWAYNE JOHNSON get over his fear of tarantulas, and last time they worked on his fear of roller coasters. When he’s here to talk about his movie;Planet 51,she’ll see if there’s anything else we can work on. Just call her Dr. Ellen. Also, with the amount that BRIAN WILLIAMS travels the world while hosting NBC Nightly News, Ellen is thrilled that he’s taking the time to be on the show today. He is a funny guy and it’s always great to have him here. Ellen heard he’s a fan of pranks, too. Will he still be a fan if the prank is on him? There’s only one way to find out! Also, you never know who else may drop by the show today, so don’t miss it!

Friday, August 6
JON BON JOVI
Ellen always thought she was good at Ping-Pong… until she saw a YouTube video of XIN-XUE FENG. Xin-Xue is absolutely amazing, and she’s only 7 years old! Ellen was so impressed with her that she’s flying her all the way from China to be here. It’ll be Xin-Xue’s first time on TV. Also, for over 25 years BON JOVI has been one of the top rock bands, selling over 120 million albums — and they proved that they’ve still got it with their album;The Circle; Now they’re on the show to perform their new song;We Weren’t Born to Follow, and Ellen will try to convince them to play one of their classics, too. Ellen will also get a chance to chat with Jon Bon Jovi. Then, KELLY OSBOURNE AND LOUIS VAN AMSTEL made it all the way to the finals of ;Dancing with the Stars! Kelly will share all about her unexpected, life-changing experience, and of course, they’ll perform a dance.

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This Week on The Ellen Show! July 26-30

Monday, July 26

ADAM LAMBERT

ADAM LAMBERT was the runner-up on Season 8 of “American Idol,” and people haven’t stopped talking about him since — especially after his controversial performance at the American Music Awards! He’s an amazingly talented performer, and today he’ll finally be here to perform and chat with Ellen. She’s got a lot to ask him! Then, supermodel MARISA MILLER walked down the runway of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show — wearing a three-million-dollar bra! Since it’s such an important job, she asked Ellen for some modeling advice, so Ellen has some tips for her today. Also, Ellen found a man with a talent so unique, you won’t believe your ears!

Tuesday, July 27

GREYSON CHANCE

Ellen just can’t stop thinking about GREYSON CHANCE! Since she featured the amazing 12-year-old, his YouTube video has received over 27 million views! Ellen sent cameras to his home in Oklahoma so we could all get to know him a little better. She’ll show it to you when he’s here today. Then, Ellen always feels the love when COLIN FARRELL drops by! He’s got a love story made for a movie… literally. While filming his new movie, “Ondine,” the sparks flew with his on-screen girlfriend — and now the two have been together for two years! Plus, Diddy recently discovered the very talented JANELLE MONAE and helped her become one of the most talked-about new artists. She’ll be here for the first time, performing her hit song, “Tightrope” — and you never know who else might join her!

Wednesday, July 28

ASHTON KUTCHER

Ellen is on her way to hitting 5 million Twitter followers, but there’s one guy who might beat her to it: ASHTON KUTCHER. He and Demi Moore have been tweeting non-stop since they started their accounts, and today Ellen will find out what inspires his random thoughts. She’ll also get to hear about his latest movie; “Killers” with Katherine Heigl. Then, country singer CHELY WRIGHT recently broke ground when she became the first country artist to publicly announce that she’s gay. She’s stopping by to tell Ellen how the journey is going. And not long ago, DJ Tony took a few days off to play a part in “The Bold and the Beautiful,” and today he’s got a sneak peek. Also, one of Ellen’s favorite shows, “So You Think You Can Dance,” is bringing back their all-time top dancers this season, but not before they dance with Ellen!

Thursday, July 29

RUSSELL CROWE

Ellen has a brand new GMC Terrain she wants to give away, and she knows the best way: Game Week! Today is first day of Ellen’s All Terrain Game Week — with some of the biggest prizes ever — and it all ends with someone driving home a GMC Terrain! If today’s game involves archery, RUSSELL CROWE can help! He surprised everyone by showing up with a bow and arrow a couple of weeks ago, helping an audience member make a perfect shot! It’s all the training from his movie, “Robin Hood.” That’s not the only thing he’s good at; he told Ellen he’s a great shopper. Then, the hilarious ERIC STONESTREET is a talented guy. He recently showed off his amazing drumming on an episode of his hit show, “Modern Family.” He’s also boasted quite a bit about his mouth trumpet skills — Ellen will see if he’s really got it! And since today’s guests are all incredibly talented, it’s a perfect day for Ellen to feature another talented web star in Ellen’s Wonderful Web of Wonderment.

Friday, July 30

RYAN PHILLIPPE

You’ve never seen a round of Know or Go as exciting as today’s! It’s another day of Ellen’s All Terrain Game Week and the contestants are competing for a chance to win the ultimate prize of a new GMC Terrain! Then, Ellen has found some of the best talent from the web and featured them in her Wonderful Web of Wonderment segment. Today she’s welcoming 11-year-old singer MADDI JANE, who has an amazing voice that you’ve got to hear! When RYAN PHILLIPPE last sat down with Ellen, she told him he needed to lighten up from all the serious movies he’s been in — and he sure listened! He starred in the comedy, “MacGruber,” along with some of your “SNL” favorites, and he’ll stop by for a laugh with Ellen. Also, PAM ANDERSON & DAMIAN WHITEWOOD made it quite far on “Dancing with the Stars,” but not quite far enough! They were eventually eliminated, but that means they can stop by the show and perform one of their incredible (and sexy) dances! And today Ellen is introducing you to the new band, COURT YARD HOUNDS. They might seem familiar — that’s because it’s Martie Maguire and Emily Robinson from the incredibly popular Dixie Chicks! They’ll be singing their new hit single. Also, Victoria’s Secret is still trying to get Ellen to model for them. Today they’re even sending over supermodel MIRANDA KERR with a special surprise for Ellen! She’ll be so honored.

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